TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE

A self-help book on how survivors of sexual assault can pursue fulfilling sex lives.

Drawing on interviews with other survivors of sexual abuse and assault, as well as her own experiences, the author explores how one can find sexual agency and satisfaction after such trauma. She covers a wealth of underaddressed issues, including the necessity—and difficulty—of breaking away from violent long-term relationships; the role of friends, family and counselors in offering help; the process of disclosing a history of assault to sexual partners; and the often agonizing hurdle of a first sexual encounter after such trauma. The book also addresses panic attacks and other symptoms of post-traumatic stress that can strike even during consensual sex; working out issues of consent with partners; the complex effects that trauma has on one’s sexual desires, and the unique concerns of men and queer people who have experienced assault. Simon notes that some survivors go through what she describes in herself as “slutty phases” or enjoy safely reenacting aspects of their experience. She mentions a few specific treatments, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, which involves “rhythmic tapping or visuals to draw the eyes to the left and right,” but mainly she recommends clear communication with partners to explain problems, set boundaries, and straightforwardly voice wants and needs. Simon’s treatment of this difficult subject is frank, broadly accepting of diverse reactions, and forthrightly sex-positive, asserting that survivors can and should expect to recover a gratifying sex life. Throughout, her writing is evocative, raw, and psychologically rich, as when she describes a first sexual experience after an assault: “Though I was relieved that sleeping with him felt good emotionally, I felt overwhelmed by the physicality of it. More than once while we slept together that night, I nonverbally indicated I needed a pause because I felt a panic attack.…He just smiled and lay still next to me while I cried and tried to breathe. Meanwhile, I was mentally kicking myself for disrupting what was otherwise pretty great sex.” Survivors and their partners will find reassurance and resonant sympathy here. The author includes suggestions for further reading and a list of resources.

A clear-eyed and deeply humane exploration of how people may heal from sexual violence.